Does That Make Me Crazy?

by Una A. Slater

It feels like so long ago, when in reality it was merely two years.

I woke up from my own personal life matrix.

I was discussing my first toe-dip into therapy and spiritual healing with my friend Lisane. Peeling back the layers of my onion. I remember her telling me that the initial stage of the process was lifting the lid on the pot that was me. The first step would be allowing whatever it was that was neatly contained beneath that lid to bubble over.

What a terrifying thought. Letting my insides bubble over.

Was the mess going to be bigger than what I could ever clean? What if in the process, I chased away things like the pretend happiness I’d built for myself? Would there be any benefits in those rose-colored glasses I was wearing? I was basically preparing to rip off a scab that had been set in place since childhood. Sure, I was probably eating myself from the inside out, but so what? There were people who were a lot worse off than me, right?

I thank God for that friendship. And I am so glad I took the initial step. And she was so right. Once you wake up from that “false-state,” once you pull the covers back from over your sleeping head, something happens.

Like it or not, convenient or not, your body, spirit and mind become immediately aware of the change. And from that point on, all the tricks and tools you use to make things fit, suddenly go away. This is utterly terrifying. Seeing things, including your own mess, without the comfort of illusion means you begin to expect more from yourself, and hopefully, from others.

When you start coming to the surface, and the mess boils away—wow. You begin to see how it all makes sense. You begin to see why each and everything you say and do and perceive is a reflection of what your childhood, or dramatic life events trained you to see. You see how much of a game of survivor it all truly is.

Some days it’s downright infuriating when people consciously or subconsciously pull you into their dramas to manipulate you or keep you in a position that serves them with no regard for you. Sometimes it’s just as simple as people sniffing a bit of where you’re trying to go, and attaching themselves for the ride so they can survive too. Problem is once you are awake, alive and fighting for your life, you realize it’s a lot harder to fix your mess when so many others want you to fix theirs. You do what you can—but if you’re not careful, those hands clasping at you can pull you into a state of exhaustion you can’t seem to shake.

Lately, that’s how I’ve been feeling. Pulled. In millions of different directions at a time when I am really beginning to dig at the stubborn layers of my own onion. I’ve always been one of those people who is greatly annoyed when distracted. Perhaps it’s because so often I live buried within my own head. I know what effort it’s going to take to get back to the place I was, and I already feel like I’ve lost precious time.

I am doggie paddling with my head above water—trying to build up my energy for the next big lap. And each pull, each tug feels like it’s going to drag me back under towards murkiness. So I’m learning to kick and fight for the surface a lot harder. And I realize in a year, I’ve made an interesting transformation.

I used to fight the lid coming off the pot. Now I fight the lid trying to be put back on.

About the Author

Una Slater is full-time Marketing Director for a Recruitment Software company and an aspiring freelance writer. She currently is working on the completion of her first novel.She has been published professionally as a columnist reviewing trends in her industry, and conducts workshops on effective marketing in recruitment while continuing to expand her fascination with contemporary fiction as her career permits.

Originally from Philadelphia, Una is a graduate of the University of Pennsylvania. She currently resides in South Austin, Texas with her dog, Mecca, and a big appetite for personal adventure.